I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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