Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
