i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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