Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
