made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
