my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
