He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
