If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
