I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
