Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
