I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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