I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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