Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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