just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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