It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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