I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
