You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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