"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
