This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
