I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So squirting runs in the family.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
