I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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