i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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