i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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