im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
