I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
