I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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