i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
