lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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