DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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