Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
