Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
