I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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