i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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