im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
