I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
