my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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