We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
