It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
