Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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