so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
