You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
