I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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