Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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