I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
