i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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