What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
