you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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