just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It's shark week go big or go home
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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