why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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