I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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