i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
