someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I forget how to act sober
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