do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
