You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
