There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
