dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
