she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
