Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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