Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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