Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
zippers are such a cool invention
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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