new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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