I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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